What I did when I felt I wasn't 'good enough'

All my life, as far as I can remember, I've come in second.

School competitions - I was the first runner up.

Competitions - always the silver medal.

Multiple scholarships that I applied for - I was shortlisted again and again, right to the finish line .... only to be told that the offer went to someone else.

Even in fun activities like a bible quiz, I remember coming in second.

I was always good. But apparently not quite good enough.

We all know the old saying about second place: you're the 'first loser'.

The first loser. That was always me. It has been something I've lived with all my life.

So this year when I applied for the spiritual directors formation program (SDFP) scholarship, I had quite a few words with God.

It was a bit entitled, but it was raw and honest.

I told Him in no uncertain terms that I WANTED THIS. In fact, I didn't just want it. If I was to participate in the program, I needed it. We simply didn't have the money to spare next year.

So when I received the results in my email a couple of weeks ago, saying that they had awarded the scholarship to someone else but offered me a partial grant, the thought dropped into my mind before I could catch it.

Of course I'm silver again. What did I expect? I was good, but as always, not good enough.

It's really petty, isn't it?

Considering this (and a lot of scholarships) are awarded based on a need basis, obviously there was someone with a greater need compared to mine.

But petty old me wants to be first - even though not being in need is realistically, a really good thing!!

And so I've been wrestling with God the past couple of weeks.

Part of me has been upset with God.

Why do I always seem to come so close, only to land in second?

Why is it that everyone says I'm good, but I'm just never quite good enough to make the cut?

There's even a part of me that questions if God loves me enough. Maybe He loves me, but doesn't love me enough....?

Then there’s the part of me that’s upset with myself.

Because I KNOW intellectually that everything I have and own is a gift.

I also know that it's such a blessing to be gifted a grant. I should be grateful. I am grateful.

And yet, I couldn't shake the disappointment no matter how hard I tried.

It’s not pretty. But God and I have a decent enough relationship that I knew I could be completely and 100% honest with Him.

So I sat with Him and these feelings that made me so uncomfortable. Feelings that I would hesitate to voice to anyone else (admitting it here in writing is still hard, but a teeny weeny bit easier) - the jealousy, the self-doubt, the sadness. It made me feel small.

But I told Him exactly how I felt.

I couldn’t fix my disappointment on my own. So I handed it over - the thoughts, the emotions, the lack - and told Him I needed Him to do what I couldn’t.

And then I asked Him to help me understand and change what I couldn’t: my feelings and my heart.

And very very slowly, He did.

Over the past two weeks, every time I've prayed about this, I felt Him gently show me things I hadn’t seen:

• This grant is actually a blessing in disguise. Time and space, as we all know, is a luxury. Instead of trying to squeeze everything into 2 years, I can defer my start date by a year. Instead, I have been offered a place in the Foundation program, which will give me more time to complete all the pre-requisites of the program. What God has given me is time and space to breathe, rather than piling more on my to-do list.

• The grant is an additional gift. The scholarship would have covered the first year program fees but not the additional pre-requisites (e.g.: a week long silent retreat). On the other hand, I could use the grant to pay for the foundation year fees as well as any other pre-requisites that are needed (up to the grant limit).

• The grant is another chance for a fresh slate. With deferring the start date for a year, I am able to apply for the scholarship again next year. Applications are considered afresh every year, so I can put my name in the hat again then.

Listing it all out like this, doesn't the grant seem like such a blessing?!

Somewhere, somehow in this journey, God has shifted my heart.

Don't get me wrong, it was difficult. There was a lot of confrontation - with my childhood stories and history of feeling lack and 'not good enough'.

But I think I've emerged victorious. I don’t feel small or second-best anymore. I feel grateful. And excited.

So how does this all translate into real life?

I've decided do start with my spiritual directors formation journey by doing the foundation year in 2026.

And at the end of it, I'll reapply for the scholarship.

Maybe this time I'll get it; the gold that I'm yearning for.

But maybe I won't. That's not up to me to decide.

If I don’t?

Well .... I'm not going to think about it just yet. That's a story for future me to tell. We’ll see how it unfolds when we get there. Life is lived one day at a time.

But for today, I'm more secure in the fact that God really does have my best interests at heart. His ways are better than mine, as is His timing.

He is my Father after all. And I'm His beloved.

What does this have to do with you?

Maybe you can't relate. If that's you and you've read this far, YAY you! Chalk it up as a good story. Now you know how petty I can be.

But maybe you can relate. Maybe you have felt like:

• you’re doing everything right but you always seem to come up short

• you’re always overlooked in favor of someone else

• your best never seems to be enough

Then this isn’t just my story. It’s ours.

There’s a quiet kind of pain that comes from almost achieving something, from being close but not chosen.

Most people don’t talk about it because it feels embarrassing, petty, or uncalled for. It's difficult to admit, even to ourselves!

But these moments reveal what our hearts are anchored to. They show us where we’re finding worth, validation, and identity.

That’s why this story matters. It’s not about scholarships or grants.

It’s about the deeper question underneath:

Where am I getting my sense of worth from, and what happens when it’s challenged?

Food for thought:

• Where in my life do I feel 'not quite enough' or 'always second best'?

• What emotions come up when I don’t get what I hoped for? Do I allow myself to truly feel them?

• When I’m disappointed, do I try to push through it on my own or do I invite God into it?

• What is the deeper desire underneath the disappointment?

• Is there a possibility that what I see as a setback might actually contain a hidden blessing or protection?

• Where might God be giving me space, time, or a second chance .... without me realizing it?

My encouragement to you:

If you ever find yourself with a silver medal around your neck, know that there’s nothing shameful about that space.

Sometimes silver is where God shapes us for gold.

And sometimes silver is the gold - we just don’t see it yet.

With lots of blessings and love,

Amy 💛